Is the skill of not caring an art? It must be. To lay next to someone crying and know you’re the reason why they are crying and fall asleep peacefully it must be an art. I can’t do it. I sometimes wish I could. It sometimes sucks to feel every emotion of a person when you stand next to someone. To take on all their energy it drains you. It sometime paralyzes you. It definitely gives you headaches. I just wish that sometimes I wouldn’t care so much. That I would let stuff roll off my back easier. That I could sleep soundly at night when someone really hurts my feelings.
I do have to say it does make me a better nurse though. I can take control of a room quicker because I can feel what’s going to possibly happen before it happens. Probably because I can feel what the person beside me is feeling and anticipate what their next move will be. Which is very hard to explain to people. If you’re a sensitive person you know what I’m talking about. I just want someone to understand me. I wish I wasn’t so sensitive to sounds, lights, and crowds. And, I wish there was a switch I could turn it off like some people.
Or maybe some people really don’t know when someone is hurting? When they are upset? Or when someone is angry? I wish there was a way to teach the ‘shut off’ trick to someone. I’m not sure if I could ever learn it or will learn it!! I think I like the switch idea better but alas I don’t have a switch. I’m stuck caring more than I should, feeling energies I don’t want to feel, and being sensitive to lights and sound.
I have read over and over to just don’t worry about things you can’t control. Easier said than done for someone like me. The art of not giving a fuck is foreign to me but some days I wish it wasn’t. Some days I just want to rest and not feel all the things in my head, my heart, or the people around me. Why can’t I not give a fuck?