A friend told me that they wished I would express more about my healing journey. I haven’t felt that I have healed completely, but I thought I would share the start of my healing journey. So healing for me started around four years ago. To give you a little bit about my history with healing, I have said in the past I was with someone for roughly eight years. At that time my daughter was also living with us. I would like to say that this is from my perspective, no one else’s. Everyone’s perspective is different and there is always another side to a story, but this is mine.
So to set up how I thought it was, my partner for the last several years we were together didn’t have a steady job, but said she was going to take a driving job and would be gone for a weekend. I didn’t think much of it until she wouldn’t answer the phone and then blocked me. Which hurt me to my core. I didn’t understand that if she didn’t want me then why drag it out? Why cheat? This “in and out” stage lasted for around a year. I thought that if you truly love someone your loyal and no matter what happens you and them are not fighting the world but making it better together. What a fool I was being.
Back then I didn’t know what gaslighting was or who a narcissist actually is? She would get my hopes, then up and leave. Doing this put me in a depression I never had before experienced. She would make me think that I was crazy and I started to believe her, but then I would start journaling and writing down what I said and what she said. Really I wasn’t crazy she was changing my brain when she would gas light me. I doubted my sanity, my self esteem was depleted, I felt I wasn’t good enough.
Knowing what I know now, it was all crap. I am good enough, she wasn’t, I am sane, she was just a manipulator, I felt she was doing this on purpose. She was getting a thrill out of hurting me. Anyway my daughter was also going through a life changing moment and was sentenced to prison for 3 years. So I lost everything in the span of one month. My partner, my daughter, and my home all gone. Finally I decided that I had to leave this town or area because it was literally killing me.
I can remember that I sat in my car in a parking lot of a grocery store for two hours and couldn’t get out of the car. I was scared if I saw anyone I knew I would loose it. And, I didn’t want to break down in front of anyone. I was depleted and broken. Every place in this town brought back a memory of my ex partner or my daughter.
I had no one to talk to except an online therapist that I only emailed once a week, which helped a little but not quick enough. And, I just worked two days a week at that time so Monday through Friday I didn’t speak to one person. I didn’t leave my house. I had my groceries delivered. The only interactions I had for months was at work. It was as if I was already dead. It was very sad really. I started doing some meditation and some hypnosis therapy which then changed my out look. I decided to leave the job that was also depleting my energy and joy. There was nothing in this town, where I called home for most of my life, that I needed.
So I decided that enough was enough and I couldn’t do it any longer. To be continued…….