Well starting to heal myself I needed to realize that some of the things that happened to me were my fault. I didn’t want to project my wounds onto anyone else. So, I started meditating and going within to figure out why I had self sabotage so much in my life. I starting reading books, taking courses, learning how my mind really did affect the things going on in my life. I was miserable, and healing is not all singing by a campfire and laying on a couch confessing your sins. Healing is headaches from crying so hard and can’t stop, it’s having dry skin on your nose because you’re blowing it from crying. It’s sitting alone in the dark by yourself and having no outlet. It’s not a beautiful process.
I was having so much negative self talk in my head that it manifested into the physical. I knew I had to change my mindset from the negative to the positive. It was so hard. Did you know takes at least 27 days to form or change a habit. That really is a long time, a lot of failures, a lot of restarting. Over and over of starting over in my head. Journaling really helped and save me from time to time. Being mindful of what I was thinking about and changing it from the negative to the positive was really difficult and still is a challenge for me.
So I decided to take a job over seven hours away from all the bad memories and places I didn’t want to remember. At this point I was willing to work anywhere but where I was working and living. You can call it fate, God, or the universe that truly saved me. I took a travel job working seven days on, then seven days off and would drive back and forth.
The Hospital set me up in a room which they paid for I would just need to bring my clothes. So for the next month or two I would drive back and forth. Making the drive gave me time to think. Also the drive was rather scenic and peaceful. The job was amazing. The people that worked there were like family and it was beautiful to see. I had never worked at a place where your coworkers and boss actually gave a shit about how you were doing. Where they were willing to help you succeed. Ever.
The healing that I was doing was making my vibrations higher and people that had ill will against me would just drop off. (That’s how I would describe it). My ex – gone which took some doing to be honest, Friends- that I thought were my friends, but found out otherwise – gone. Even people at the new job seem to “drop off”. I was making more money than I ever had before and it was getting to the point where I would get anxiety to go back that week I was off. The anxiety was so bad that I would hold off some weeks of going back “home”.
Which was just a reminder that I had tons more healing to do, but decided that after my boss offered me a full time position, I would just move near the hospital. I was headed on the right path, things were looking up, but again was I just running from the good memories with the bad ones? Why was I having so much anxiety? I never had anxiety before?
To be continued……..